why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
