I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
