i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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