honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
