If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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