Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
