she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
