I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
