She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
