Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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