Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
