How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
