So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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