do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
