could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
