My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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