he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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