If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
