Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
