There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
