Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
