I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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