Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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