Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
