This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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