Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
