Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
