i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
