Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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