i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
