I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
