I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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