I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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