Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son