I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ladies don't puke and tell