i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
