Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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