4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
