wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i now understand why vodka
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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