There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
