I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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