I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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