so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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