She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
