She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
