did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
