His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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