I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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