If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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