well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and you said cock pushups were impossible
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
