ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
