wrigley field is MILF paradise
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
