Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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