saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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