i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
