Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
