So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
