Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
