I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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