wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
